hi babe =D

ok i figure i shud get dis outta my head and den mayb i can concentrate better and not hav 2 worry bout it 2 much...

hi babe,

okay, iv figured out a problem im having, i need to stop thinking about what d feelings i hav for u are.  i think i want to come to a decision quickly and thats just making things harder to figure out.  the best option in my eyes is to try my best to stop thinking about it. i truly want to fall in love (proper love) with u babe, i think u r such a great individual. but wat im doin now is still forcing it. wat needs to happen is nothing. lets b best friends. d only way im gonna know for sure if its not just infatuation is to let our friendship grow and let the feelings come naturally. i really evny u, ur so clear on ur thoughts n feelings n they dont lie to u. i wish i had that..

well dats wat im feeling rite now anyway. i was stupid to think i could search for and find such a feeling over a couple of days. i know u said u can wait n ull b there always, n it makes me sad knowing wat u feel for me isnt bein returned rite now.. but im so grateful for u bein there, i am.

ok mite ttyl if we r both on n its not too late..

- anton

hi babe

been thinking really hard about this. uv questioned my feelings for u a couple of times n its made me doubt myself too >< i feel really really strongly for u but u seem certain its not wat i think it is.. i dont kno if i actually am doubting myself now or if im just so scared that if ur right, ill just b hurting u even more in d future.. maybe d fact that u were questioning it in d 1st place means its not there. maybe im missreading my feelings again. i thought i had run thru evrythin in my head but why is there still sumthin naggin at me like this? im thinking wen u say u dun deserve me u really dont, u dont deserve sum1 hu is this unsure about themselves..

if im gonna drag ur feelings around n hurt u all over again then maybe its best if we just stayed close friends, i couldnt bare making u feel like this again, u dont deserve it.

---------

i just read ur sms, babe i dont want u to get hurt again, its not worth this pain.  ill always be a shoulder to cry on, ill always b here for u, ill b a gud friend 2 u like iv always been, at least that way i know i cant hurt u this much again.
im not leavin u in any way, i wanna make that clear, we will always have each other.  im sorry my feelings for u couldnt b as pure as urs.  we will always b friends babe, i wont forget or stop communicating with u, ill always need ur support and level head in times of need and i definately need u to talk about anything an evrything thats on my mind..  i really appreciate evrything uv done for me, but unless i can rid myself of doubt, i cant allow myself to get too close to u n hurt u again. i wouldnt b able to forgive myself for doin that, im still havin trouble forgiving myself for hurtin u now..

im sorry for not being able to interpret my feelings for u.. n i hope we will b able to stay best friends forever. the main thing im thinking now is i do want to be with u, i dont want to just be friends. but i dont want to be there while im figuring out wat im feeling or like i said maybe im too scared of hurting u again, its not fair to u.

- anton

hi babe,

thank u so much for being hu u r. iv come to quite a few realisations over d past couple of days n its mainly bcoz of u. uv helped to make me into a better person (i think i am ><) n there are few things more special than that =)

d reason i say uv helped me so much is bcoz of d way u approach things.. ie. realistically.  i denied in d past that i wud ever hurt u but i hav. i 1st became ur friend b4 anything else, and that will always b there. i will never stop wanting to make u happy in evry respect.  uv told me many times that this is all about me, that i hav to decide wat i want.  thats not entirely true, its not completely up to me, its up to u too babe.  i realise now that iv had delusions in the past when it comes to our relationship.  iv always told u that i want the gud with the bad with evrything in ur life, thats never gonna change.  wat i was in denial about was the fact that i expected evrything to be fine and peachy as long as i was there to help u. 

i know this has mainly got to do with the infatuation thing, and yes it pains me to say that it was there, but i truly believe there has always been more than that.  that burning desire and obssessiveness has died down, n wat im left with is the desire to want wats best 4 u.  call that wateva u want but its there and its strong.  iv always wanted to put u 1st.. if us trying to continue past the level we hav reach is gonna cause more pain, i can understand if u dont want to go thru that, im willing to go back to bein friends if its wats better for u in the long run. i AM prepared for that.

uv told me that ur friends think ur naive about all d guys wanting to b with u in 'that' way. well rite now i feel really naive about our relationship.  i entered into our relationship with real expectations from u, i knew things wud happen slowly n i still never want to pressure u into anything.  but my naivety came from unrealistic expectations from myself.  i think i was reaching for sumthin i shudnt hav even been considering.. ie. when i didnt feel wat i was expecting i was confused. i realise now that wat i thought i was spose to feel isnt wat i really want to feel.  i dont want to b that way nemore, i dont want to cause myself n u to hurt when i can be feeling the love that i know is there.

i know how much u care about me, its obvious. n i want u to know that even thru the infatuation, n even thru the past couple of days, iv never stopped caring for u too.  the thing is, iv only recently discovered the difference between wat i was initially feeling and wat love means to me. iv been trying to seperate the two.  i feel yuk thinking of wat i need without thinking wat u need. i want u to know that i will always hav a tinge of green in my soul.  i cant base any decision about us on wat i want, i cant.  i need to know how u feel, i need to know wat u r thinking n if u can live with the fact that im not perfect, i cant promise u wont get hurt again. if u feel we cant continue on i'll understand.

hope u had a fun day 2day! i was in cab again with my mum buying material..

- anton

hi babe,

mmm, its late..

its 1.30am n n hour ago my bro stood behind me 4 45mins abusing me coz he wanted to go on d comp.. so add that to how i was feelin 2day n i feel pretty shit rite now.

there r a couple of thoughts runnin thru my head that arent racing by like d rest so i can at least get them out of my head n into this blog.. the 1st one is about d convo we had on msn. when u said 'fuk u' to me it was like a cannonball to the gut >< i felt evrything inside of me sink.. n since then that line has kept comming into my mind, i keep seein d words n evrytime i read them i get hit again with the same feeling. i really didnt want to ever hurt u but i guess i failed u.  the thought of u hating me hurt so much it was unbearable, i felt weak all ova n had to go to my room n just collapse in a teary mess.. i was thinking ud never want to speak to me again..

2nd thought is about our future. i think that i expected too much from myself in terms of wat it meant to fall for sum1, i thought i had to be constantly obsessin ova u for it to mean sumthin so when i was thinking about u, but not totally obsessing, i thought there must b sumthin wrong.. now im not so sure. i dont hav to constantly think of u to prove wat i feel towards u.. n d feelings i hav for u arent just as friends.  if i felt like this towards my other friends they would probly think i was insane.  yes i know i havnt been so close to a girl b4, but i havnt felt this way to any person in my life, only with u..

n d stuff u were apologisin 4, dont!  how can u expect to understand me when i couldnt understand myself? n u know that i dont regret gettin involved with u, iv always wanted the bad and the good. n wen u say sorry for leadin me on, i wudnt hav let u do that unless i was feeling wat i was towards u, im to blame as much as or more than u.  if i had sorted out my feelings b4 talkin to u, none of this wouldve happened.. like u said, its about me n it IS my fault n i thank u for ur forgiveness =)

ur tellin me to do wateva makes me happy.  talkin to u makes me happy, bein around u makes me happy, u make me happy.  i really really do wanna b with u but im scared to the bone that i mite hurt u again >< im really hesitant rite now bcoz i know iv hurt u even when i was trying to do the opposite, so i mite do it again without wanting to..

btw gettin this stuff out of my head has really calmed me down..

let me know wat u think about all of this.

gnite again =)

- anton